I just received more details about the launch event for a competition to engage developers to make things for the much hyped Nokia Lumia 800. I love Nokia. I actually like Windows Phone 7. I had a play with a Lumia 800 when buying my iPhone 4S. It’s a lovely device and with the right apps it could possibly do well.

However, the event is on a Saturday, and it’s three hours long. Ten am till One pm. Silly day, silly time. Not just silly, a bit rude. I and many other developers have a life. Some have outside interests, some have girlfriends, some have wives, some have boyfriends, some have husbands, some have children. Three hours on a Saturday morning feels like a weird one. Maybe do a bit of market research rather than just assuming developers are a stereotype which doesn’t have a life at the weekend, as this is how your choice makes me feel.

I can almost predict the format. Some very exuberant marketing person or senior business figure will flounce on stage and list all of the features on the phone in excruciating detail. If you’re unlucky it will be preceded by TV slots, brand presentations and some sort of ghastly faux Jony Ive video about the design language (I’m a massive fan of Jony Ive, people aping him talking about design just annoy me). The details of the device will be excruciating as everyone already knows them. Engadget and everyone else scooped it months before your launch event which we also probably read the coverage for. I almost guarantee it’ll concentrate on consumer not developer features. Then a whole load of people will patronise about what a great opportunity the competition is while everyone in the audience sarcastically tweets about how it’s their applications that make the ecosystem. Then someone will tell you about the competition, the prize fund which is probably a lot less than the venue hire and the stage set cost and will have a small enough spread to make it barely worth entering. They’ll probably have a few presentations from people who had advanced access, but these people will only talk about the good things, it’ll feel fake. Telling the truth would be smarter but not on message. Someone may or may not tell you about the toolsets and the APIs, their presence in the whole thing will be so small as to almost feel apologetic. Expect no chance for Q and A.

Then there will probably be lots of milling around before the big palette of handsets arrives to be handed out. Expect queueing here. Lots of it. While you’re in the queue people may come and demo the phones. The demos will be by marketing people or hired in staff, sometimes inappropriately dressed models, rather than by developers or evangelists. Sometimes the phones will be their personal units with their data on it, often making you feel embarrassed at playing/viewing the device. Sometimes the demo units will be poorly charged. Asking for the developer tools will at best be responded to with a piece of paper with a web link on it. At worst with a suggestion to go and register on the developer site and download the tools. 

Sound familiar?

Doesn’t have to be this way. As Dan Williams just said “I am a developer not your cheap marketing tool”. These big glitzy launches serve just one community: the agency or department who report on bums on seats rather than engagement and provide places for the senior people to “get out among the people who make great stuff for us” (but then normally get swooshed off before you can chat to them). It’s a posh bun fight with no analytics about value or return on investment in apps which make the ecosystem great. Some day I’d love to see an analysis of how many competition apps actually end up being top grossing ones.

Here’s my suggestion and I’m saying it for free as I’ve had enough of this sort of event and I’d like a better one. Hire one of the many shops which are currently unused in our austerity highstreets, create a pop up developer shop somewhere near to where there are lots of developers and start ups. If you’re stuck, here’s a starting place map for London. Don’t spend a fortune on the decor, spend the money on putting people who know what they’re talking about in there. Possibly spend some of the budget on a good coffee machine or, if you want to pander to stereotypes, a big fridge full of Cuke. Invite people to come into the shop and allow them to book half hour to an hour slots, make sure you’ve got lots of staff at lunchtimes. Write down the things they ask about so you can improve your developer site and FAQs. Write sample code for the commonly found things. Give them a USB stick (hint: they’re very cheap) with the developer tools on it. If you must put all of your marketing videos, put it on the stick. Do not make it mandatory to watch the videos. Do not put the documentation or the tools installer in some form of multimedia presentation thingy which makes you sit through the marketing guff. 

If you’re going to do a competition make it one in which there can be lots and lots of winners of smaller prizes where the prize roughly to the loss of earnings in making the thing you’ve made. That way if it’s a paid app and you promote it, then the developer does really well, but everyone feels like they have a good chance. 

I’m betting this will cost the same or less as a fomulaic (despite what you think you’re doing with your crazy slightly leftfield idea) big glitzy marketing led launch.

Anyone want to give it a try with a new device? Then I’ll come and play. Until then, keep your free phone. Saturday with my family is worth more, and it’s your opportunity, not mine.

p.s. thank you to @iamtheprawn and @rainycat who made me go cold with embarrassment that my original version didn’t mention developers who have husbands and boyfriends. Hopefully those of you who know me realise this was just a slip up when writing a rant.